cavaliereagle wrote:DeCav wrote:I suppose I should confess that when I said he suffered from heart problems it was really a euphemism for depression. He took his own life that night. I mention it now because I think it’s important not to take anything for granted when you know someone with depression. The darkness sometimes blows under their door. And though on two other occasions he reached out to me and we got through it this time he asked for no help. Now I wonder how different things might’ve been if I’d maybe dropped by that week and just said, “Hey, what’s up?”
I feel your pain with this. I've had a personal relationship with 3 different people this has happened with over the last 15 years. One had no warning whatsoever and we've never found out why. One had threatened it when intoxicated. he sobered up and did it a couple of weeks later. The other had been in pain for several years. I have no doubt that each knew I was available. I still question what I could have done. I have yet to figure out the answer to that question. I've pretty much decided I had done all I could have. If our friends and loved ones don't let us know they need help, they give us no opportunity to help. Over time, i've actually gotten angry with these folks. They were selfish by not allowing others to help. They caused a lot of pain for their family and friends. My thoughts are with you and his family.
Thank you for your thoughts, stories, and sentiments.
I am also dealing with some anger and resentment and looking for an outlet. I'm scheduling an appointment with my wife's therapist. She's cool. She worked at Byrnes High School and was the one years ago who reassured my wife I was above reproach when I informed my wife that during a family vacation in the NC mountains that I was taking off for several hours during the vacation Friday night to drive back to Spartanburg and watch the Dorman/Byrnes showdown that year.
My angry wife during counseling: I just don't see what the big deal is!!! It's just a football game!
Her therapist (A Byrnes teacher at the time) gently puts her hand on my wife's knee: Lisa? Trust me. It's a big deal. Let him go watch the game.
Anyway I feel I got more grieving to do and more tears to shed yet. Did some of that last night.
Got home last night and snapped this pic...
From left to right, that's my son Ash, Chuck's son DJ, and Chuck's niece Sarah. Man I had to turn around after taking that pic so the kids wouldn't see how upset I was. I can't imagine what DJ, Savannah, and Kim are going through now. It's unfathomable. Chuck's wife and 2 kids went to counseling at a friend's church. She said the experience was nothing but pain which makes sense. What else would that be like? I want to forgive Chuck for not calling me or letting me know something was wrong but it's hard. His son will be in his cap and gown accepting his Dorman diploma in less than a month and his dad won't be there. He won't ever meet his children-in-law or his grandchildren. So much he will miss in life. He knew if he said anything to me I'd get him through it and I'd like to think my cognitive skills are nuanced enough to realize that any and every time I got him through those dark times or all the times I've gotten my own wife through the same struggles that it was basically like "killing" Freddie Kruger or Jason Vorhees. Because just like monsters in the movies, depression never dies...it just goes dormant until the sequel. Part of me through these trials felt a little guilty because you tell someone with this condition that things will get better but deep down I know on some level they'll get a little better but ultimately the darkness will come back in time. Sometimes I felt like I was participating in prolonging someone's misery.
Also it was selfish of Chuck to take himself out, I agree. The hard and noble thing to do is ask for help and hold on for those precious moments in life when living feels like the right decision and Chuck had many of those moments through the years when he would turn to me on occasion at a football game or a concert or a family picnic and he would confess how relieved and thankful he was to still be alive and how it would have been a shame for him to give into dark temptations earlier in life.
From The Pass by RUSH:
No hero in your tragedy
No daring in your escape
No salutes for your surrender
Nothing noble in your fate
Christ, what have you done?
But also we are selfish too. At this point I'm sad and angry not only because of what my friend is gonna miss out on but mostly because of what I am gonna miss. I feel like me, his family, and his other friends are selfish because they're looking down a road now that won't have Chuck as a companion and whether my friend is in a better place, or experiencing peace, or at least no longer periodically miserable I still resent this because it's not want
I want. So go figure.
So sorry to hear about all those painful experiences CavE. I've been surrounded by depression my whole life. I suppose there was definitely a non-zero chance that this would happen some day. I had to take my mom to the psych ward by myself when I was in high school and I've taken my own spouse to the doctor to head off the terrible decisions they were considering. One is hard. I can't imagine 3 different people. So sorry for you. Seems enough to make you want to throw your hands up. Reminds me of the end of the The Wall...
All alone, or in two's,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands.
The bleeding hearts and artists
Make their stand.
And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall.
I honestly didn't imagine 18 years ago when Chuck offered to let me be the Godfather to both his children that it was anything other than an honor and a title. Now I have to lean into it and make it real and make it count. When Chuck and I several years ago attended the funeral of a friend who passed after beating cancer but suffering an aneurism, this guy's friend wrote a moving eulogy about how the two of them decided to ride life until the wheels fell off after Jared discovered he had cancer. They took trips to New York and Vegas. I remember me and Chuck crying in the car after the funeral. Not because we were all that close to Jared but because the service reminded the two of us about how strong of a bond friendship is and I told Chuck, "We need to do what Jared and Tim did. We need to take our families on vacations and travel and think out of the box before it's too late and all we have is regrets.
I had a great friendship with Chuck for 33 years...23 years of Dorman football games every week. I definitely can't say our friendship was dull or lacking and we were rarely out of touch, especially after our own children all became best friends and Chuck and I had even more occasions to see each other and chit chat. But I still have regrets. The end of the movie Schindler's List comes to mind when Liam Neeson laments about how many more people he could have saved if he would have thought to sell all his jewelry and car and such.
Anyway I think what I'll do this summer is go in with Chuck and Matt's family (Matt is the 3rd leg of our "band"...the three amigos) and rent a lake house and a boat and start ramping up my approach to life. At 46, the first half of my life is behind me and it was a good run. Now I have to get busy with the 2nd half where there's potentially for a lot of happiness and fulfillment but I'll be minus one awesome dude.
Ken, what is it about sports? Intuition tells me any hobby or past time would do for creating memories with our loved ones. But man. I wish you guys could have made it to the memorial service. Chuck was known as the Hostaman but football was the central theme of the memorial service. How about that?
The Dorman coaches learned something at the memorial service which was that Dorman football played a large part in getting my friend through his first marriage that failed and Dorman football helped keep him going and fight depression for more than 20 years simply because at the very least he always had something to look forward to on Friday nights each football season.
Sorry for going on about this stuff. I don't mean to bring anyone down and I suppose in a way it's off topic but it sure is cathartic to write about this and I want to thank all you guys like Spartanburg95, TG78, Newcat, and others who are texting me once a week to see how things are going. Answer is they are going and I know it will get better but I really appreciate my friendships with you guys and I'm blown away by the thoughtful words and gestures.
Chuck had a chronic issue of never wanting to be a burden to anyone ever. It was almost an unhealthy attitude. If I could've begged one last thing of my friend before it was too late it would have been...
Please...burden me.
Peace,
DeCav